My wife and I just finished a five-part limited series on HBO called Scenes From a Marriage. Other than some strange virtue signaling in the prelude of each episode where they ensure the viewer that all crew members were adequately “masked up” behind the scenes while filming the show, I loved the series. It is a thought-provoking and emotionally impactful screenplay that left me never wanting to go through a divorce.
I could relate to the strife and sacrifices made in the name of marital unity, and I could relate to some of the angry quarrelings they had, and some of the bargaining and grief acted out on screen.
Scenes From a Marriage is based on a Swedish series by Ingmar Bergman, a film director, screenwriter, producer, etc. The original series is based on a real-life failed relationship of his own. The HBO adaptation encapsulates how messy, and awful yet remarkably intimate divorce can be.
Minus a couple of scenes, the whole show takes place under the roof of a typical middle-class suburban home in New York. I’m really not trying to write a review, and there are plenty out there if you go looking.
But I love the way this series was filmed. The first scene was a long take that brings the audience through the house (stage) and introduces you to a seemingly happy couple, advising a Ph.D. student with tips on how to make a marriage work for the long haul.
The student asked the couple to describe themselves at one point, and the husband Johnathan (Oscar Isaac), without delay, began with various self-identifying descriptions.
When Johnathan’s wife Mira (Jessica Chastain) is asked the same question, she stammers and struggles to self-identify apart from being a mother and Johnathan’s wife. We see in this first scene that trouble is amiss when Mira is unable to individualize from the marital connection. Later, there is an unreconcilable reveal from one partner to the other, without giving too much away, and divorce is requested.
As the episodes progress, the audience witnesses a vacillating between love and contempt. All the stages of desperation, despair and regret are on full display.
In one scene, Johnathan admits that he was seeing a therapist to make sense of the breakup and learn to cope with his heartache. He tells his soon-to-be-ex that the therapist had him doing something called Morning Pages. Morning Pages, he explains, is a free-form brain dump first thing in the morning where you journal three pages of whatever bubbles to the surface.
This resonated with me and I lit up. Did he just drop Morning Pages?
For the last month, I have been reading a book called The Artist’s Way. For those of you that are not familiar, The Artist’s Way is kind of a 12 step recovery program for creatives, but it’s truly meant for everyone, whether you’re an artist or not.
The Morning Pages were instrumental in quieting the inner critic and getting past some core limiting beliefs I had about myself.
The book is divided into 12 weekly sessions. Each week has a series of tasks meant to unblock one’s creativity along with affirmations, an ‘artist date’ (more about this another time), and morning journaling called “Morning Pages.” This book has been amazing for me, and the morning pages are something I can’t live without right now.
The brain dump is supposed to get you ‘to the other side of your inner censor or critic and bring you to a ‘quiet center.’ I was skeptical at first, as is my nature, but it really has started unclogging my creative juices.
The Artist’s Way is part of the reason I started this newsletter. I finally unblocked myself enough to feel confident in my voice, so I started putting my writing out there in the face of rejection. The Morning Pages were instrumental in quieting the inner critic and getting past some core limiting beliefs I had about myself.
Last week one of the tasks in The Artist’s Way was reading deprivation. When I read it, I thought, “reading deprivation… that can’t possibly mean reading anything at all”
That is precisely what it means.
Reading deprivation is intended to “cast us into our inner silence” or, in other words, eliminate distraction or escapism and bring you into a more conscious present state.
The book suggests that reading fills our minds with an inflow of information and leaves little room for an outflow of authenticity, especially for a blocked creative. Who would have thought?
Before I embarked on this task, I had no pulse on how much time in my life was dedicated to reading.
So, I took inventory:
Texts, memes, social media, emails, news alerts, banners, closed-caption subtitles (for those of us that suck at hearing), the list goes on and on.
I decided in order to do this correctly, I would need a social media fast as well. Aside from reading the text in my current chapter to see what the new tasks were and reading my own writing, I actually did pretty well.
I wasn’t perfect; I took a few peeks at some Instagram stories because… FOMO and a couple of emails came through from the girls’ teachers that I needed to read. It felt liberating, to be honest. I had emails piling up, and I didn’t care.
I had stacking social media notifications, and I was free from them for the week. I didn’t care about all the political theater that I usually absorbed at least once a day, and eliminating the constant Twitter feed catchup game was emancipating.
Instead, I found time to do a bunch of writing, and I discovered a lot of new music. I also got to things around the house that I had been putting off.
I went through my closet and edited out a bunch of clothes that I hadn’t worn in years. I tackled a project in the garage I could never find time for. I didn’t realize how much of my time was spent reading and on social media.
My weekly ‘screen time’ reported a 50% reduction in time spent on my phone. This was astonishing to me.
It takes a lot of discipline and dedication to hold yourself accountable to a period of reading deprivation. You will no doubt be setting up boundaries with other people and holding fast to those boundaries if you want to succeed.
This may ruffle feathers if reading is required at a workplace. However, with some careful procrastination, it may still be possible to go a week without reading it you’re dedicated to the experiment.
My week of reading deprivation brought me closer to my wife, and we were spending more quality time with one another and working, cooking, and parenting together in ways that we hadn’t done in a while.
For better or worse, reading is a form of consumption, and without moderation, this monster of consumption blocks the bandwidth for outflow in marital unity, parental presence, and personal development.
I think back on Mira’s inability to describe herself beyond wife and mother. Although she had so much depth, she identified as a two-dimensional character in a prison of her own making.
She was unable to distinguish herself as a sovereign individual in a partnership with Johnathan and felt unseen. Mira was so uncomfortable with the question for many reasons but allowing herself the distinction from her husband seemed pointless and futile.
I can relate to both Johnathan and Mira. There have been times in my marriage where I know my wife has felt unseen. In the past, I had a very difficult time being fully present for her and our girls.
I used all manner of escapisms because I didn’t want to deal with my PTSD and childhood trauma. This caused anger and resentment in my wife. There were times when she felt like she married a ghost.
I got tired of going through the motions in my partnership the way Johnathan and Mira did theirs. They were chugging along in their marriage with blinders on, not seeing that they were both suffering in silence.
I want to see my wife, and I want her to see me, and I want to continue discovering more about her as I rediscover myself. The only way to truly see her is to start examining myself and being even more present as a husband and father.
For me, Scenes From a Marriage is a cautionary tale in some ways. Not to sound cliché, but the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
Below I list 3 actionable ways I have learned to be more present with my wife and family.
Here are 3 ways you can be more present with your family.
Moderate Your Consumption. Put down the phone, the newsfeed, the social media; it’s all noise. There is no room for outflow when you are consuming.
Observe. Start by observing your breath. Then, expand outward to your spouse and family. What are their unmet needs, dreams, hopes? How can you pay more attention? *hint See number one.
Find a way to serve. Now that you’ve begun to examine your family, how can you serve the ones you love? Are you taking care of your family, or are they taking care of you? Service requires presence and demonstrates humility and respect.